We just learned the great news that our law clerk, Darryl Collins, and CCDC’s law clerk, Andrew Montoya, passed the Colorado bar. Congrats, Darryl and Andrew!! When I learned that Darryl would not make it to the official swearing-in ceremony, I decided we needed to recreate the experience at Dougherty’s — at least the experience of enduring the inevitable keynote address by some Leading Light of the local bar association. As a public service, I thought I’d reprint it so that anyone facing the prospect of attending one of these events could save themselves the time and brain damage.
Effusive individualized welcome to various people here whose ass I need to kiss.
Generic welcome to the folks who just passed the bar and their friends and families.
Corny shout-out to family members who put up with loved ones in law school.
Endearing story about my own early years as a lawyer, one that is simultaneously self-deprecating and self-aggrandizing.
Self-evident statement about the importance of the occasion.
Long interlude of meaningless babble about the practice of law.
Several over-thought metaphors.
Frowny-face statement about how “increasingly” uncivil the practice is, despite the fact that the old farts at my law firm delight in crushing the spirits of idealistic young lawyers for sport.
A sentence or two designed to present the momentary illusion that I and my colleagues in big law firms give a rat’s ass about people who can’t afford to pay our fees by the hour.