Since the recent attempt to sell the Rockies on Craigslist* and my attempt to convince my brother to undertake a humanitarian venture capital mission to purchase the team have both apparently failed, I’m forced to put my fandom up for adoption.

My ad:

Born a Washington Senators fan.  Orphaned in 1971.  Short foster team relationships with the Baltimore Orioles, Richmond Braves, and Minnesota Twins.  Genetic fandom of St. Louis Cardinals.  Adopted by the Colorado Rockies in 1995.  Abandoned in 2014.

Can explain the infield fly rule, but cannot tell one pitch from another.  Willing to bring ancient baseball mitt to games.  Prefers high-scoring home-run-intense games to pitchers’ duels.  Needs playing field with good views and decent beer.  Will not do “the wave.”  Will check scores on CBS Sports app during dinner when result actually matters.  Prefers team with owner who gives a shit, preferably two, and sufficient front-office talent to spell players’ names correctly.  Willing to wear team colors, paint toenails to match.  Currently in possession of and routinely wears Elway jersey and old-logo Broncos sweatshirt.  Not afraid of face paint for playoffs.

In other words, loyal to team that earns it.

Please contact the Fan Adoption Agency to set up a homestudy.

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*  Craigslist took down the ad, but Westword got the screenshots.