Drive Like Your Kids Live Here*

Image: Red lawn sign with white letters that read "Drive Like Your Kids Live Here."  Other lawns in the background have the same sign.These preachy little signs are popping up all over our neighborhood. Every time I see one, two thoughts float through my head:

First thought:  I don’t have kids, you sanctimonious shit, so I’ll drive the way I would if my imaginary kids lived there and my imaginary kids all drive for NASCAR.

Second thought:  let’s apply this standard universally:

  • Provide access like your kids used wheelchairs.
  • Provide interpreters like your kids were Deaf.
  • Locate fracking like your kids lived there.
  • Make cops treat all kids like your kids.
  • Fund public education like you had one imaginary kid in each school in the country.  (Hey, if the Duggars can do it . . .).
  • Generally do unto others like you would do unto your kids.

Wasn’t there some guy a while back who had a whole philosophy, a religion, actually, IIRC, around a concept sort of like this?

Actually, a third thought often sneaks in, which is this:  I HATE this sort of sanctimony . . . FLOOR IT!  I honestly think this reaction would not be unusual, and that they’d have better results with a sign that read something like, “radar speed camera ahead.”

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* Shouldn’t it be “like your kids lived here.”  It’s the subjunctive, you sanctimonious UNGRAMMATICAL shits!

3 thoughts on “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here*

  1. brucecrobertson

    Yeah not with you on this one. I’ve had to deal with people driving 50 mph down my cul-de-sac with little kids out playing. Maybe they could come up with some different wording, but I would think this sign would be less offensive than the double entendre “Slow Children” signs formerly used. Sometimes issues can be isolated and managed (people risking killing kids with cars) without simultaneously solving all the other problems in the world!

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    1. Amy Robertson Post author

      Hey! I thought I’d get Sister Bonus Points for the shout out to Christianity! But I’m not advocating running over random kids, just coming at it in a less sanctimonious — and more effective — way. Denver has little vans with radar and cameras parked all over town. The suggestion that one is parked ahead would slow me down! And I guess I’m less pushing for a solution to all problems and more for a consistent world view.

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