Looking for suggestions for jeans that are neither this:

nor this:

which by the way, the good folks at J. Crew call “toothpick jeans.”  I guess that’s skinnier than skinny jeans?  Seriously, I’d rather not look like the top photo, but I’d also prefer not to look like I’m trying to relive my 20s.  Actually, not *my* 20s:

but perhaps someone else’s 20s.  The 20s of a much hipper, better-dressed person.  But when even Talbots is offering this

—  combining the dorkiness of Mom jeans with the awkward discomfort of skinny jeans — what am I supposed to do?  And yes, I shop at Talbots, perpetrator of looks like this

because they actually make [basic, non-plaid] office clothes for short girls.

I’m not just trolling for comments here, though that is always one goal!  I’m serious.  Where can I get non-mom, non-skinny, non-toothpick, comfortable-yet-hip-for-a-52-year-old-lawyer jeans?

And if anyone says “eBay” — you know who you are! — you’re gonna have to show me how to be sure I’m not buying someone’s used clothing.