Tag Archives: conservatives

Guest Post: Bill of Rights According to Leading Republican “Scholars”

First Amendment – Government shall not make any law that has any potential effect on religious people, or companies owned or run by religious people, feeling like they can’t make everyone else around them conform to their views. The right not to practice religion is meh. Companies and media outlets shall not discipline racist or homophobic people from spewing hate. All other free speech is meh.*

Second Amendment – The right to have and carry openly lots and lots of guns, assault rifles, whatever, shall not be impacted in any way, especially if you are white. Militias are awesome, and have a little bit to do with this Amendment, but only if you are white.

Third Amendment – Blah blah blah, something about soldiers.**

Fourth Amendment – Some types of searches and seizures are not cool, but by seizure we don’t mean killing an unarmed black person. That’s not really a seizure so that’s totally ok. Or it’s reasonable, or something. This Amendment is only occasionally important.

Fifth Amendment – Due process! For corporations! And right not to self incriminate for corporations, bank executives, and pharma bros. No double jeopardy, we can all agree to that.

Sixth Amendment – Speedy trials for accused, but you can totally waive that. An impartial jury is important but “impartial” is really quite relative, isn’t it? And assistance of counsel, but we’ll be pretty flexible about what’s considered competent and totally underfund public defenders and not require assistance of counsel for misdemeanors or other things that may land you in jail like debt.

Seventh Amendment – Definitely a jury should be required for civil actions, except if the corporate defendant has made someone sign an arbitration clause as a condition of employment or use of a service, in which case juries aren’t really that crucial (not mentioned twice in the first seven amendments or anything).

Eighth Amendment – Torture and capital punishment are not cruel or unusual punishments, and this amendment only applies to citizens. And “excessive bail” shall not be required but what does “excessive” really mean?

Ninth Amendment – Blah blah blah something about the rights here not affecting other rights? Who knows.**

Tenth Amendment – States rights! Except for liberal states (including states that want to legalize marijuana or that have sanctuary cities).


*Except for libertarians, who take this Amendment at its words.

**No one really uses this one.

This is why I never read comments on news stories

On Friday, the judge in our case against Hollister stores and their inaccessible front entrances ordered that the violations be remedied within three years.

Red Alert Politics — “an online publication written by and for young conservatives” — gave the case a straightforward, factual write-up.  There are two comments.  The first is I guess a typical conservative response:  it’s their store; they can do what they want.  Not respectful; not even legal; but plain vanilla conservative.

The second comment was this, by someone designated with a little star as a “Top Commenter”:

yeah well obama is all about controlling and lying…he’ll cost anyone money he can, direct the DOJ to infringe on multiple constitutional rights and keep doing it…

think about this, any speech charge, using what you say in court against you – is against the first amendment, that is saying that you’re freedom is speech can be used against you – that’s a law to the contrary, or the second ammendment – you have the right to keep and bear arms….

article 6 is the supremacy clause and the oath that judicial branches, judges, senators, congressmen, even the president takes….

any charge for a speech or a gun is unconstitutional — ever wonder why when they charge people with murder charges, the gun NEVER EVER comes up? lawyers of that caliber would shit on it….just like america needs to shit on obama, and carry guns, and exercise their god given rights, that their ancestors fought to ensure were protected.

So in response to the fact that Hollister stores will be required to fix their raised front entrances to make them accessible to customers in wheelchairs, we are supposed to “shit on obama and carry guns.”  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:  Conservative Logic and Spelling 101.