Category Archives: Random Smartassery

Finally – Supreme Court oral arguments are televised!

This is brilliant!

 

 

(h/t The Mahablog and my mom.)

However, I do have to point out that we were there first!

Image: photo of irresistably cute golden retriever puppy with the words "Title III of the ADA governs businesses like stores, restaurants, and theaters.

(Cross-posted at CREECblog.)

Available for Adoption: One reasonably devoted baseball fan.

Since the recent attempt to sell the Rockies on Craigslist* and my attempt to convince my brother to undertake a humanitarian venture capital mission to purchase the team have both apparently failed, I’m forced to put my fandom up for adoption.

My ad:

Born a Washington Senators fan.  Orphaned in 1971.  Short foster team relationships with the Baltimore Orioles, Richmond Braves, and Minnesota Twins.  Genetic fandom of St. Louis Cardinals.  Adopted by the Colorado Rockies in 1995.  Abandoned in 2014.

Can explain the infield fly rule, but cannot tell one pitch from another.  Willing to bring ancient baseball mitt to games.  Prefers high-scoring home-run-intense games to pitchers’ duels.  Needs playing field with good views and decent beer.  Will not do “the wave.”  Will check scores on CBS Sports app during dinner when result actually matters.  Prefers team with owner who gives a shit, preferably two, and sufficient front-office talent to spell players’ names correctly.  Willing to wear team colors, paint toenails to match.  Currently in possession of and routinely wears Elway jersey and old-logo Broncos sweatshirt.  Not afraid of face paint for playoffs.

Image:  Photo of white woman's face, smiling, with short brown hair and the logo of the Colorado Avalance (a maroon A with a swoop of white snow) painted on her face.

In other words, loyal to team that earns it.

Please contact the Fan Adoption Agency to set up a homestudy.

*******

*  Craigslist took down the ad, but Westword got the screenshots.

Image: Screenshot from Craigslist ad: "Barely use Major League Baseball team, taxpayer financed stadium - $575 (20th & Blake)" with a photo of a baseball stadium and a map showing 20th and Blake Streets in Denver.

Two more reasons I love this country.

Two articles from Talking Points Memo:   “Topless Texans Spar with Open Carry Activists: ‘Boobs for Peace!‘”

 

Image:  Photo of topless woman showing her head (wearing straw hat with feathers) to the tops of her breasts.  Headline reads "Topless Texans Spar with Open Carry Activists: 'Boobs for Peace!'"

 

And “Satanists Cite Hobby Lobby for Exemption from Anti-Abortion Laws.”

Image:  Satanic symbol with the headline "Satanists Cite Hobby Lobby For Exemption from Anti-Abortion Laws."

So what does your city’s glossy, boosterish magazine rate in its best-of issue?

 

Best new restaurant?  Best manicure?  Best dog park?  Denver’s 5280 has all that, and:

Image: Page from 5280 magazine "Top of the Town: Shopping" listing best marijuana retailer.

 

 

Because “back the f**k off” would be impolite.

Our yard has a long expanse of fence that faces a fairly busy road.  The fence was in need of upkeep before our recent wind and hail storms, and is now looking pretty dilapidated.

Image:  a street runs along the right side of the photo; on the left side, a green area bordered by a wooden fence which is sagging out into the green area next to the street.

We’ve scheduled a handyman, but we were busy and he was busy and one thing after another . . . he’s set to fix it on July 29.  But the fence was getting a lot of, um, neighborly commentary, so I decided on a bit of fence art:

Image: a street runs along the left side of the photo; on the right  side, a green area bordered by a wooden fence which is sagging out into the green area next to the street. A white sign is visible tacked to the fence near the broken area.

Image:  wooden fence with a sign consisting of three pieces of white paper stapled to it.

 

 

Fence Art 2 p 2

Text of signs:  “art installation: ‘waves of wood’ — symbolizing the transient nature of the material world, the multiplicity of human consciousness, and our hope for the future.”  A text box at the bottom reads, “In other words, the fence broke, we were focused on other things and procrastinated calling the handyman, who is busy for the next few weeks, but will be around to fix it soon.”

Not too transgressive, but at least I crack myself up!

Anti-Gay Group Refuses To Accept Mail With Harvey Milk Stamp

From the Huffington Post.

Fundamentalist Christian group American Family Association is urging members not to accept any mail postmarked with the U.S. Postal Service’s newly released Harvey Milk stamp, the first U.S. stamp to feature an openly gay elected official.

Image: US postage stamp bearing the image of a smiling white man, with the legend "Harvy Milk."

In related news, the American Family Association announced plans to put its fingers in its ears and say “LALALALALALALALALA” until the 21st Century goes away.

Creationists Complain Tyson’s ‘Cosmos’ Isn’t Giving Them Airtime

Creationists Complain Neil deGrasse Tyson’s ‘Cosmos’ Isn’t Giving Them Airtime.

Also not featured on “Cosmos”:

  1. The Earth is flat.
  2. The sun revolves around the earth.
  3. The Earth is sitting on the back of a giant turtle.
  4. Life emerged from a giant hollow reed growing from the first world into the second world, which at the time was already occupied by Cat People.
  5. An invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe “after drinking heavily”.

FSM

By the way, #4 comes from the site www.bigmyth.com which has awesome animations of some of the world’s creation stories.