Category Archives: Random Smartassery

So what does your city’s glossy, boosterish magazine rate in its best-of issue?


Best new restaurant?  Best manicure?  Best dog park?  Denver’s 5280 has all that, and:

Image: Page from 5280 magazine "Top of the Town: Shopping" listing best marijuana retailer.



Because “back the f**k off” would be impolite.

Our yard has a long expanse of fence that faces a fairly busy road.  The fence was in need of upkeep before our recent wind and hail storms, and is now looking pretty dilapidated.

Image:  a street runs along the right side of the photo; on the left side, a green area bordered by a wooden fence which is sagging out into the green area next to the street.

We’ve scheduled a handyman, but we were busy and he was busy and one thing after another . . . he’s set to fix it on July 29.  But the fence was getting a lot of, um, neighborly commentary, so I decided on a bit of fence art:

Image: a street runs along the left side of the photo; on the right  side, a green area bordered by a wooden fence which is sagging out into the green area next to the street. A white sign is visible tacked to the fence near the broken area.

Image:  wooden fence with a sign consisting of three pieces of white paper stapled to it.



Fence Art 2 p 2

Text of signs:  “art installation: ‘waves of wood’ — symbolizing the transient nature of the material world, the multiplicity of human consciousness, and our hope for the future.”  A text box at the bottom reads, “In other words, the fence broke, we were focused on other things and procrastinated calling the handyman, who is busy for the next few weeks, but will be around to fix it soon.”

Not too transgressive, but at least I crack myself up!

Anti-Gay Group Refuses To Accept Mail With Harvey Milk Stamp

From the Huffington Post.

Fundamentalist Christian group American Family Association is urging members not to accept any mail postmarked with the U.S. Postal Service’s newly released Harvey Milk stamp, the first U.S. stamp to feature an openly gay elected official.

Image: US postage stamp bearing the image of a smiling white man, with the legend "Harvy Milk."

In related news, the American Family Association announced plans to put its fingers in its ears and say “LALALALALALALALALA” until the 21st Century goes away.

Creationists Complain Tyson’s ‘Cosmos’ Isn’t Giving Them Airtime

Creationists Complain Neil deGrasse Tyson’s ‘Cosmos’ Isn’t Giving Them Airtime.

Also not featured on “Cosmos”:

  1. The Earth is flat.
  2. The sun revolves around the earth.
  3. The Earth is sitting on the back of a giant turtle.
  4. Life emerged from a giant hollow reed growing from the first world into the second world, which at the time was already occupied by Cat People.
  5. An invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe “after drinking heavily”.


By the way, #4 comes from the site which has awesome animations of some of the world’s creation stories.

I want to live somewhere where I need this item.

The Container Store > PerfectCurve® Flip-Flop Rack.

I’m trying out an add-on called “Press This” which lets me send a webpage directly to WordPress.  Of course, I’m perusing The Container Store’s site because I should be writing a brief.  Still — what a wonderful aspirational product.  Just think of the sort of place where you’d need storage for your eight different styles of flip flop.

The Man-Haters at Fox News

Brit Hume and Bill O’Reilly Think America’s Too ‘Feminized’ to Appreciate Chris Christie.”  Hume:

I have to say that in this sort of feminized atmosphere in which we exist today, guys who are masculine and muscular like that in their private conduct and are kind of old-fashioned tough guys run some risks.

This only works if “masculine” means “childish, lying, grudge-carrying asshole” and “feminized” means “acting like a decent, grown-up human being.”  Given what we know about Christie’s behavior, Hume’s declaration can only be read as an insult to men, something I would not have thought I’d hear at Fox News.

New year random photo dump

My 2014 New Year’s resolution is to blog more.  I was inspired by my cousin’s resolution to cancel her gym membership and my brother’s resolution to drink more.  Why should resolutions be designed to bum you out?  Start the year right with a resolution that will make you happy!  So I’m resolving to blog more, play with the dog(s)* more, and eat more pasta.  That first one may increase the down-scrolling and notification-deleting burden on you, my five loyal readers, but just think of it as additional exercise for your typing fingers!

In a move that is essentially burning through a month’s worth of good resolution-keeping material on the first day of 2014, herewith a photo dump from the back half of 2013, that is, random cellphone photos that entertain me without actually being worthy of an entire blog post.

From our favorite Denver deli, The Bagel Deli:  cheesy jalapeño knishes.  Just another reason I love the west!

{Image:  photo of handwritten sign advertising "Knishes!!! Cheesy Jalapeno."}

More Denver/Jewish humor:

{Image:  lighted sign on the side of a bar reading "Drink Gin & Tonikah/Happy Hanukkah."  Above that sign is a vertical sign showing that the bar is The Hornet.}

Behind the bar at Cholon which, besides having scary creatures in wine bottles, has amazing small plates like duck spring rolls.

{Image:  a wine bottle with yellow-colored roots and a snake inside.}

Green tea chai latte fail:

{Image:  overhead view of cup filled with slightly foamy green liquid.}

Saguaro explaining that it’s time to stop vegging in front of the computer and start throwing the tennis ball.

{Image:  photo of laptop keyboard.   In the upper right hand corner is a tennis ball and just to the right of that, a dog's nose.}

A little light reading on my way to my cousin’s bridal shower in Portland, Maine.

{Image:  photo of newspaper headline, "Shark off Boothbay likely a great white, B1."}

When shopping for yard clean-up, I had to admire the attention to detail in the browser tab icon for Pet Scoop:

{Image: long horizontal clip from the tabs that appear at the top of an internet browser indicating the open tabs. On the left, the tab contains the Google logo of a bright red M, and reads "Inbox - amyfrobertson." On the right, the tab contains an icon resembling a document and reads "Untitled document." In the middle, the tab reads, "Denver Pooper Scoop" and includes a logo resembling a pile of dog poop.}

I know on some level I should be offended by this, but I found myself more amused, and admiring the entrepreneurial spirit.

{Image:  signage from front of the Denver strip club called "Shotgun Willie's."  The sign reads, "Topless Gift Wrapping Thurs & Fri."  The Shotgun Willie's logo above the sign is an oversized shotgun, arcing downward.}

We were very sad to say goodbye to our favorite tapas joint, Ondo’s, where we had a typically amazing meal last night, its last night before closing.  Really hoping the owners will find a good space and reopen elsewhere.

{Image:  painted mural with a waiter carrying a tray with a bottle, viewed from the back, and a store front with the logo "Ondo's"}

Then we closed out the year in typical party-animal fashion:

{Image:  a few of a sofa, dog and television from the perspective of the person stretched out in the sofa.  So along the left side, legs in sweatpants ending in feet in striped socks.  Next to the legs a golden retriever; in the background, a tv showing a hockey game.}

Happy New Year to all and onward to 2014!


*New puppy coming later this month!  Will make the “more blogging” resolution really easy!

What is it about Mountain Time that confuses coastal peeps?

There are 4 time zones.  If you’re from the East Coast, they go -1, -2, and -3.  If you’re from the West Coast, they go +1, +2, and +3.  It’s as if east coasters say, “I can subtract 1 and I can subtract 3, but subtracting 2 just baffles me!”  And the equivalent for west coasters.

A woman stopped me in the Denver airport yesterday and asked the time.  I told her.  She reacted with great skepticism and confusion because the answer I gave (“4:15,” for the record) did not fall into one of the time zones of which she was aware.  So she demanded an explanation of how this bizarre Land of the Mountains related to other, better known, time zones.  Seriously, we had to have that discussion, while I justified the existence of our little chronological slice of the country.

And don’t get me started on the networks that tell you the show is at 9:00, 8:00 Central, and 6:00 Pacific.  Um, guys? Hellooooo?

If you can successfully count to 4 without missing any numbers, you can figure out Mountain Time.

Beautiful as our mountains are, I think we need a better name.  No one, but no one, will ever loose track of Craft Beer Time.

What is it about bicycling?

First, a confession:  I am the farthest thing from a cyclist.*  I own a clunky purple bicycle with upright handle bars and two scruffy panniers.  I ride not in spandex but in dorky jeans with one cuff rolled up or — even more fashionistically — rubber-banded.  My cycling is limited to a one mile radius of my house, and consists 90% of biking to meet with my co-counsel at the University of Denver law school (.5 miles) in good weather.**

I’m providing this long-winded disclaimer because I’m about to go ballistic in defense of cycling.

WTF is it about cycling that makes conservatives so irrational?  I mean, more irrational than usual.***  I blogged earlier about one Dorothy Rabinowitz who believed that a privately-sponsored bike-share program was a totalitarian plot to “begrime” the city of New York.

After Ms. Rabinowitz was widely ridiculed — including a Daily Show segment — she responded.  As I’m sure you’ll be shocked to learn, the rationality quotient was not noticeably higher than in her earlier rant.  Ask the police, she said, “[t]hey know the  . . .  helpless screams.”  Helpless screams?  Of bicycle victims?  As my cousin Sproule pointed out — in my first guest post!**** —

of the 136 pedestrians killed in NYC in 2012, NONE were reportedly killed by cyclists, but all of the 155 pedestrians and cyclists killed in NYC traffic in the same year (15,465 were injured) were killed by motorists

But Sproule is probably just one of those cyclists “careening down the sidewalk in all of his splendid self-affirming environmental helpist mood . . .”  “Helpist?”  “Helpist???”  You know when a conservative puts an “ist” on the end of a word, that means it’s a bad thing, so we’ve reached the apotheosis of Randian libertarianism, I guess, when helping is a bad thing.

“Hi.  Can I give you a hand with that?”

“Back off, helpist scum!  Stop trying to spread your insidious helpism.  It’s a slippery slope to thoughtfulism and considerationism.”

But The Divine Ms. R isn’t alone in her irrational anti-bike freak out.  Apparently L.A. is thinking of creating bike lanes.  Cue right wing talk radio:

Look at these bicyclists, as if they belong to a bizarre cult that worships two-wheel transportation, not a traditional God, not Jesus or Allah, or Jehova, not the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, they’re like a pagan group, but they don’t even worship trees. Or nature. But they worship two-wheel transportation. And they have their vestments that they wear, their skintight brightly colored clothing, that you don’t see anywhere else, just like in church … you only see this kind of clothing when they’re on the bike in the midst of their worship. They want to be in a special cult.

This is oppressive. I mean, we’re being held hostage by a minority. It’s the tyranny of the micro-minority here.


there comes a tipping point where drivers are going to stop putting up with this garbage. Toll lanes. Carpool lanes. Bike lanes. Everything but lanes for cars where we can drive freely.

That’s right, let’s stop the fascistic imposition of bike lanes and carpool lanes on our naturally-occurring, capitalistically-financed, individualistically-maintained, Ayn-Rand-approved, wtf-are-you-talking-about public fucking streets.  We made a series of public decisions that we would all pay to create and maintain streets and highways for these assholes and their cars (and, um, my car too – thanks!), that we’d pay police to monitor them, and that we’d all get to breathe their exhaust whether we like it or not.  We’re now making public decisions to accommodate and promote other, less dangerous, less noxious forms of transportation, and it’s totalitarianism and hostage-taking?

What is it about bicycles that makes conservatives lose their shit?  I think New York Magazine has the answer, in a helpful Venn diagram:

bike venn diagram


*What’s the proper term here?  I said “biker” once and was informed that that term is limited to big hairy guys on motorcycles.  “Bicyclist” seems sort of formal.  “Cyclist”?  “Badass mofos on two wheels?”

** In bad weather, I somehow always find a good excuse to drive, which is especially embarrassing because large numbers of students drive from somewhere else in the Denver metro area, park at the end of our street, and walk to the school.

*** OK, maybe not as irrational as killing abortion doctors in the name of defending life, or preventing loving couples from getting married in the name of defending marriage.  But pretty damn irrational.

**** I love guest posts!  Wanna be a guest blogger?  Just ask!

Facebook’s algorithm is waaaaay off today.

In my newsfeed.

Colorado GOP

Love that it only has 837 likes, suggesting (1) that rank and file Colorado Republicans are not as bloodthirsty as their party; (2) that Colorado Republicans are so tech unsavvy that they aren’t on or don’t know how to use Facebook; or (3) that Colorado Republicans aren’t awake before 9:00 on a Sunday.