Category Archives: Random Smartassery

Special Interest Groups

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I finally have empirical proof that “Special Interest Group” just means “group that wants to do something conservatives oppose.”

I’ve always known this in a sort of episto-sarcastic way.  “Oh yeah right,” I’d say, sarcastically, “gays and lesbians are a special interest group because getting married, visiting your spouse in the hospital, and not having the crap beaten out of you are such special things to do.”  In contrast to companies that don’t have to pay taxes or answer in court when they violate the law – a very ordinary, unspecial approach to citizenship.

Indeed, any group advocating for civil rights – that is, the same rights that straight, non-disabled, white people take for granted – is a “special interest group” advocating for “special rights.”  For example, here’s Juan Williams,* with the standard line that people with disabilities are a “special interest group.”

But I finally found a naturally occurring example of the flexibility of the term “special interest group.”  To graduate from being a “special interest group” to “fine upstanding Americans,” you just have to find a group that annoys conservatives more.   Here is a Republican politician in New Hampshire, reacting to the fact that a liquor store has parking reserved for hybrid cars near the front entrance where the accessible parking usually goes:

To choose to display such blatant priority for special interests over seniors, wounded veterans and others who have mobility difficulty is deplorable.

Voila!

*******

*  This link contained a paragraph so classic I have to paste it in its entirety.  Here is Juan Williams making the all-important link between speaking respectfully about people with cognitive disabilities and the downfall of western literature:

That’s ridiculous. These special interest groups say you shouldn’t say retarded. You should say developmentally disabled. It’s silly to make a big deal about it. It’s like language police. You’re made into a villain. It’s being done to enforce a certain speech code. It leads to resentment, anger. It leads to people thinking we’re not allowed to read books by dead white men even if they’re great books. What a waste of time. Just have an honest conversation.

Amycare: replace doctors with veterinarians

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Anyone who has ever taken a pet to the veterinarian has probably thought:  geez, why can’t humans get health care like that?  I mean, at the most basic level, vets are just cooler than MDs.  Think of all the vets you’ve known in your life and then all the doctors:  who would you rather hang with? Case closed.

But it’s more than that.  Our older dog is now seeing a specialist, so we are having a good deal of exposure to the veterinary profession.  This has placed the differences in stark contrast.

Both our regular vet and the specialist call us a day or two after each appointment just to see how our dog is doing.  I’m not sure my PCP would know me if she ran into me at the Target the day after my annual physical.  And I really do like my PCP; it’s just not part of the human medical culture to follow up.

The vet specialist also faxes a report to the regular vet after each appointment, and calls *him* to follow up.  When I needed one doctor to send my file to another doctor a few years back — just send the damn file; no communication; no follow up — I had to make multiple phone calls and fill out multiple forms, and I still showed up at the second doctor’s office to find that no communication in any medium had occurred between the two doctors, their staff, or their file rooms.

And our vet appears to use computer technology from the post-1995 period.  At a recent human medical appointment, the receptionist handed me a form when I checked in.  I pointed out that none of the items on the form had changed since the last appointment.  No good:  “It’s a policy, we have to update our information.”  But there’s nothing to update.  “Sorry, it’s a policy.  We require this form.”  A form made of paper, from dead trees, which they expected me to interact with using primitive ballpoint technology.  I pointed out that they had also every single piece of information requested on the form having photocopied my driver’s license and insurance card only moments ago, but I was instructed to please sit down and just fill out the form.  After I filled out the top half, I handed it back and pointed out that since I was the insured, the information requested on the bottom half of the paper was already filled in on the top.  Nope.  Still not good enough.  “The two halves of the form go to different places,” I was told, “You have to fill out both.”  At about that moment, I looked at the receptionist’s computer and noticed:  DOS.  That’s right, green type on a black screen.  In 2011.  I can go up to a computer terminal at the Bed, Bath and Beyond and find out what wedding gifts my friends and family in distant cities have registered for, but MY DOCTOR is using DOS, and asking me to fill out identical information on the top and bottom halves of a piece of paper in much the way I filled out a field trip permission slip in 1971.

You can’t really do a head-to-head comparison of the financial aspect of human and dog care, because the veterinary industry lacks many of the important cutting edge features of the American human medical system:  astronomical insurance company executive salaries; palatial insurance company corporate campuses; and cubical farms staffed with adjusters trained to deny your claims.  So it’s not really fair to point out that the financial aspect of dog care is much simpler:  after each appointment, we hand them our credit card and we’re done.  But that is at least part of the point:  the vet industry doesn’t have to support legions of insurance executives, so the amount we’re paying is a very small fraction of what our insurance company pays our doctors.  And honestly, how different *is* a human body from a dog’s?  We seem to have many of the same internal organs.  Can human treatment really be that much more expensive?  (This is where my brother will blame the lawyers.  Love you, Bruce!)

Finally, of course, no matter how intrusive the medical procedure, I have *never* been offered a treat.  Not once.

Happy and/or Merry

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I’m going try to do two possibly contradictory things in this post:  (1) urge everyone to wish each other merriness and/or happiness in a spirit of joy and celebration; and (2) unleash just a little bit of snark on the whole war-on-Christmas baloney.  Here goes.

New rule:  No one gets to be indignant when someone else expresses the wish that they be happy or merry.  Unless someone is wishing you something truly bizarre like Happy Dog Shit Day,* the proper response is “thanks!” and possibly, “you too!”  The following is an incorrect response:  “Dude, you just wished me to be happy and/or merry for the wrong reason.  You must have some sort of weird political agenda.  Let’s bail on this whole joy and celebration thing and really annoy each other!”

For the record, as a half[assed] Jew, I have no problem with being wished a Merry Christmas.  It’s not a holiday with religious meaning to me, so I feel the way I felt when my Chinese friends wished me Gong Xi Fa Cai on Chinese New Year.  And that feeling is:  Happy.  Instead of the human interactions that fill up my average day — bizarre italicized accusations from opposing counsel, middle fingers from other drivers,** depressing political commentary — someone is just telling me to be happy.  Or merry.  Or in the case of Gong Xi Fa Cai, congratulating me and wishing me to prosper.  This is all good.  All.  Good.  Did I mention good?

Let’s practice:

Jewish person:  Happy Chanukah!
Christian person:  Thanks!  That’s so nice of you!

Wasn’t that easy?  And fun!  How about this:

Christian person:  Merry Christmas!
Jewish person:  Thanks!  You too!

See!  Don’t you feel merrier and happier already?

Random person #1:  Happy Holidays!
Random person #2:  They’re not “holidays.”  There’s only one real holiday, that is, MY holiday.  Please don’t wish me happiness unless you’re doing it for the right reason.

ZZZZZT!  Wrong.  Remember the rule:  whatever merry or happy you are wished, the proper response is “Thanks!”  Seriously, try it.  My prediction is:  you might actually feel merry and/or happy.

But I do want to say a quick word about the “put the Christ back in Christmas”***/”Reason for the Season” crowd.  I’m perfectly fine with putting Christ back in Christmas if that means, on December 25, focusing on the religious meaning of the birth of Christ instead of acquisition of new and better electronic devices and fleece sweaters.  Indeed, I enjoy focusing on the Christian religious meaning of Christmas, and each year find myself learning and reflecting on important things from and with my Christian family and friends.  And, happily, acquiring cool electronics and fleeces.

But if “put the Christ back in Christmas” means the only merry or happy we all get to say starting after, say, Halloween or perhaps Labor Day is “Merry Christmas,” I’m afraid I have to (merrily and happily) dissent.  And because I’m a complete nerd, I have to point out that the “reason for the season” is not, in fact, the birth of Christ, but the need of early Christians to promote their new religion by attaching their observances to existing pagan solstice celebrations.****  So technically the reason for the season is the circuit of the earth around the sun, the beginning of the lengthening of days, and the need of people in the cold and dark to eat fun high-carb foods and drink enough to forget the cold and dark.

Still, snarkiness and nerdiness aside, I really think there should be more merries and happies rather than fewer, and that when someone wishes you a merry or happy that doesn’t line up with your particular views, just go with the merriness and happiness.  And feel free to wish others merriness and happiness for whatever reason strikes you.

Or if you want to try for more calendrical accuracy, here are some suggestions:*****

Dec. 1       Rosa Parks Day
Dec. 2       Chanukah
Dec. 3       International Day of People with Disabilities
Dec. 4       National Cookie Day
Dec. 5       First Sunday in Advent
Dec. 6       Finnish Independence Day
Dec. 7       Islamic New Year
Dec. 8       National Brownie Day
Dec. 9       Jeff’s Birthday
Dec. 10    Constitution Day
Dec. 11    International Mountain Day
Dec. 12    Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe
Dec. 13    National Cocoa Day
Dec. 14    National Bouillabaisse Day
Dec. 15    Bill of Rights Day
Dec. 16    South African Day of Reconciliation
Dec. 17    National Maple Syrup Day
Dec. 18    International Migrants Day
Dec. 19    National Oatmeal Muffin Day
Dec. 20    National Games Day
Dec. 21    Winter Solstice
Dec. 22    National Date Nut Bread Day
Dec. 23    Festivus
Dec. 24    Chinook’s Birthday
Dec. 25    Christmas
Dec. 26    Boxing Day; beginning of Kwanzaa
Dec. 27    St. Stephen’s Day
Dec. 28    Card Playing Day
Dec. 29    Pepper Pot Day
Dec. 30    Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute******
Dec. 31     New Year’s Eve

* There have been circumstances in which that would have been an appropriate greeting in our house, but I’ll spare you the details.

** Unpleasant even when justified.

*** But do remember to “Keep the Han in Hanukkah.”  (h/t Laura R.)

**** There are a couple of other theories too.  http://www.bib-arch.org/e-features/christmas.asp

***** Recipients of our 2006 holiday card will recognize that I’m recycling material here.  And yes, Mom, I corrected the typo.

****** Not a lot of documentation for this one, but I really liked it.

Rewriting the rules of civil procedure: a start.

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Rule 1:  These rules govern the procedure in all civil actions and proceedings in the United States district courts, except as stated in Rule 81. They should be construed and administered to secure the just, speedy, and inexpensive determination of every action and proceeding.

Rule 1.5:  Don’t be a dick.

Litigation animation, or, I crack myself up!

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I don’t know if any of you caught the hilarious animation ridiculing the iphone, but the tag line at the end was “Xtranormal.  If you can type, you can make movies.”  Well, I’ve always thought that I’d be a great animator, but for my total and complete inability to draw, so Xtranormal seemed like a great service:  my deathless prose; their artistic renderings.

Here is my first attempt.   Possibly not funny outside our case team, but importantly, I totally cracked myself up.

I pondered whether it was a good idea to post this and concluded that it was OK:  I don’t name the defendant, and every last bit of it is in the public record.  True,  as a technical matter, no giant saw blade was involved, and I don’t generally wear my Coffee Woman superhero outfit to court.  But it is otherwise completely accurate.

Ratio

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(Time spent finding running clothes, putting on running clothes, finding running shoes, putting on running shoes,* putting up hair, finding leashes, leashing dogs, finding, folding & pocketing baggies, standing around waiting for dogs to pee, standing around waiting for dogs to poop,** scooping poop, & disposing of poop baggie) : (time spent running) = 2:1.

************
* Despite the fact that my shoes tie like this:

I’m only sorry they didn’t have shoes like this when I was a kid as it took me an unnaturally long time to learn to tie my shoes.  Perhaps my mother can supply the photographic evidence of my entire nursery school lined up to say the pledge of allegiance, with me in my stocking feet.

** This occupies at least as much time as running does, because Saguaro insists on conducting a full olfactographic*** survey of a wide radius of space, and practice-crouching up to ten times before locating the precise right spot.  There is nothing that can be done to speed this up, and in fact I have to restrain Chinook from interrupting the maestro at work, or it will take even longer.

*** That is TOO a word.  I googled it.  Most of the results involved male sea lampreys.  Yes, Saguaro is just that weird.

Beezus, Ramona, and Sharia

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One of my favorite characters in fiction  is Ramona Quimby.  And one of my favorite things that Ramona did was to announce “I”m going to throw up!” when she wanted to get out of a crowd and go home.  “Instantly everyone standing near her managed to move a few inches away.”*  I’ve often thought of that when I’m stuck in a crowded situation:  perhaps if I just announced that I was about to throw up, others would move away and give me the space my misanthropic, claustrophobic self needed.  But I think conservatives have given me even more effective and up-to-date tools:   I just have to wear a turban or invoke Sharia and I’ll have the place — any place — to myself.

I came up with this plan initially in response to an article I read about a passenger asking to be moved out of an airplane seat next to a guy in a turban.  Put aside the fact that,  if the turban-wearing dude is going to blow up the plane, being in a different row won’t really save your narrow-minded ass.  This is true but secondary.  Most important:  I now have an excellent device for getting an airplane row to myself.

More recently, we have the excellent spectacle of conservatives calling for a boycott of Campbells products because they are manufacturing a line of halal soups.  Now this is the type of political hypocrisy I just love:  free-enterprise-loving conservatives boycotting a company for making a rational cost-benefit decision to manufacture a product that people will buy.  But more than that, it suggests an excellent way to clear out the riff-raff.  And, as GOP senate candidate Sharron Angle has demonstrated, if it’s useful, you can assert that Sharia law governs almost anywhere without actually being — as a technical matter — correct.

In that spirit, conservatives, please note the following:

  1. The Safeway will be selling only Halal foods this morning, and all other weekend mornings, as well as any time within two hours before and after Bronco games.
  2. The DMV will be implementing Sharia during the month of November when I have to renew my driver’s license.
  3. Our flights to and from San Francisco this week will be known as “turban days” on Frontier.
  4. I-25 will be governed by Sharia, but only between the hours of 7 and 9 a.m. (northbound) and 4 and 6 p.m. (southbound).

Let this system work for you!  Don’t like the annoying fans in the opposing team’s stadium?  Make it know that the stadium is halal!  Find yourself in a slow-moving line?  Put on your turban and get served immediately!  And if the country ever drifts back toward rationality, you can always just announce that you’re going to throw up.

*********
* Note that I was able to recite these lines from memory but cannot remember the plot of the grown-up novel I read last week.

Talking back to Westlaw

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Why is this image supposed to make me buy a more advanced legal research program?

When I started this blog, I warned you that part of the impetus was my tendency to talk back to the teevee.  I talk back to things like fundamental mathematical errors.  The Aleve lady who is so excited that she’s taking fewer pills than with Advil CLEARLY NEVER READ THE INGREDIENTS.  I helpfully inform her, “you’re getting the same amount of medicine, you dork; and your stomach will feel just as awful”  Or when 9News promises a full segment on some new store or product, I calmly explain to them, “THAT’S NOT NEWS; IT’S ADVERTISING.”

Today’s question is:  why should a photo of a woman with her eyes closed and wind-swept hair make me want to upgrade my legal research software?  Are they telling me I can now do legal research with my eyes closed?  On a wind-swept beach?  Candidly, her look is the one of resigned frustration I get when Westlaw tells me my search yielded 0 or 4,934 cases.  What are they trying to tell me about their new, improved version?

I know this probably sounds like I’m trying to be funny, or am desperate to post something to see if I can attract those 20 or so hardy souls who read this blog.  But I’m serious — why this photo?

Update:  The truly compelling image would be a middle-aged law nerd sitting in front of her computer, arms raised in the universal symbol for “touchdown,” a smile on her face that says, simultaneously, “I’m a genius, and I’m going to demolish the evil bastards on the other side of my case, and wow what cool software this is that both reveals my own genius to me and lets me engage in demolishment with such ease.”  If you’re listening, Westlaw:  use that image and I promise I’ll upgrade toWestlawNext.