Category Archives: Random Smartassery

Who knew Microsoft was in the soul-saving business?

But my ability to use its software to save my soul currently has some bugs.  This is the error message I get every time I try to open MS Outlook.

Redemption helper

My Redemption Helper is on the fritz!  I am unredeemed!  Maybe I need a laying-on of IT hands!   A binary prayer request!  A baptism in bytes!  A Microsoft mitzvah!  (Trying to keep it ecumenical here.)

Things that are not patriotic:

Attempting to keep people from voting – in Florida

Early voting the Sunday before Election Day used to be allowed. But it was eliminated by the GOP-controlled state Legislature and Republican Gov. Rick Scott last year after Barack Obama used early voting to help him win Florida in 2008 — and therefore the presidency.

and in Ohio.

In Ohio, after attempting to cancel weekend early voting all together, Secretary of State Jon Husted (R) drastically rolled back early voting hours.

Remember:

If you have to stop people voting to win elections, your ideas suck.

Closer to home, the two Obama signs I had stapled to our fence were torn down.  Too lazy to drive to Obama HQ and get new signs, I resorted to more basic First Amendment tools:  the inkjet printer and staple gun.

The little sign on the right reads:

Tim pointed out that it’s not really communism; more like fascism. I thought it reminded me of the neighborhood committees in China, in which neighbors kept an eye on one another’s ideological purity.  It’s also possible that it was random vandalism by drunken college students — not unknown in our ‘hood.

Extra bonus Colorado sunset shot:

Mutt Mitt

Hey!  I didn’t invent the product or the packaging — I just added my 8th grade sense of humor.  And a product endorsement:  nothing beats the Mitt for scooping poop!

Camera
MX880 series

Yes, I put the poop scoop bag bag on the scanner.  Yes I did.

Garage Triage

 

*  Includes car, bike, snow blower, tools (actually used), tools (aspirational), and the complete Fair Employment Practices Cases, Vols. I – 1997, complete with Post-It annotations by Peter C. Robertson.

Whew!

These ads always give me a great sense of relief, because God knows I’d rather my child* be in the company of

Matt Savage

or

grandin

or

Tammet

than these assholes

tommy-hilfiger-ss-2011-by-craig-mcdean-styled-karl-templar

********

* My theoretical child.  I don’t have kids.  But to be clear, I would rather be and/or hang out with people with autism than people in a Hilfiger ad.

Modesty glasses: finally, recognition that it’s their problem, not ours.

In Israel, new modesty glasses for Orthodox Jewish men blur women out of their line of sight – NY Daily News.

It’s the latest prescription for extreme ultra-Orthodox Jewish men who shun contact with the opposite sex: Glasses that blur their vision, so they don’t have to see women they consider to be immodestly dressed.

This is sheer genius!  With modern technology, if we can’t convince bigots to bring their thinking into the modern world, at least we don’t have to change our behavior to cater to their stone age views.  Bigot Glasses:  think of the uses!

  • Racist?  Here are glasses that make everyone’s skin tone look white.
  • Homophobic?  These glasses will portray, to the wearer, that any couple observed through the lenses consists of one man and one woman.
  • Islamophobic?  The glasses can be programmed to photographically superimpose members of the 4H Club overtop of any images of men with dark skin, beards, or turbans or women in headscarves.
  • Disabiliphobic?  There will be glasses to blur out wheelchairs, white canes, and sign language, showing instead those same people walking, seeing, hearing, and flipping you off.  (Still a few bugs in that technology.)

The ultimate genius, of course, is that Bigot Glasses only affect the bigot, so the rest of us can go about living our black, female, Islamic, gay, and/or disabled lives in peace.

There is, of course, one set of these glasses I’d invest in:  grumpy old lady glasses.   Technology that erases tattoos, pulls up pants, covers up exposed underwear, brushes hair, feigns respect, and edits out the word “like.”

Constitutional originalism for the unbuff

Scalia Suggests ‘Hand-Held Rocket Launchers’ Are Protected Under Second Amendment | ThinkProgress.

Can you guess why Scalia suggests hand-held rocket launchers are protected under the Second Amendment?  Because you can “bear” them.  That is, you can, theoretically, lift them onto your shoulder.  So for this reason, “it does not apply to cannons.”  I swear this is not The Onion.  Seriously, folks, if we’re going for originalism, we can’t stop with the bright line between hand-held rocket launchers and cannons.  Clearly your Second Amendment rights, per Scalia, are calibrated to the amount of weight you can bench press.  Clearly this guy’s

http://www.theworldsstrongestman.com/uncategorized/wsm-experience-finland-results/

constitutional rights are greater than mine, given that I’m not sure I could heft a Saturday Night Special.  But this, too, is flawed as originalism goes because at the time the Second Amendment was drafted, wasn’t the average body size smaller?  Shouldn’t we all be limited to the weapons that the average late 18th Century constitution-drafter could heft?  And if “bear” means only what it meant in 1781, how can freedom of the “press” apply to the internet?