Category Archives: Family

Documenting the gelled mullet

Over on my brother’s truly funny blog, he fesses up to a Jim McMahon-style gelled mullet, but only offers indirect proof, that is, in the form of a photo of Jim McMahon.  I, however, have definitive proof of the actual Robertsonian gelled mullet:

My law school graduation in 1988.  I have several other compelling memories from that day, besides the usual getting a diploma, completing a major educational stage in my life, facing the future, blah blah blah.  I seem to recall that Dad spent most of the photography time trying to get Bruce to take off his sunglasses.  Ooops.  I also recall a wonderful family dinner at which Bruce and I had a great time making fun of the way the waiter said the word “Calvados” … not because we were great connoisseurs of  French brandy, but because we’d never heard of it before and thought it sounded hilarious.

Early-adopters and never-let-goers

Christopher Buckley’s Losing Mum and Pup is a wonderful book for many reasons.  For example, anyone who has kept a vigil for a loved one in the ICU will not want to miss Buckley’s hilarious updates from his father’s hospital bed.  But the part that rang the truest for me was his description of his father’s devotion to WordStar.  Remember WordStar?  William F. Buckley was apparently an early user of this ancient word processing program, and would be goddamned if he was going to give it up, even as it required extensive and increasingly energetic technical support.*

My father, too, was an early-adopter/never-let-goer.

Throughout our childhood, he always talked about wanting to be the first kid on the block to have a Buck Rogers Ring.  I think that was something related to a comic book that came in a cereal box or something.  Bruce and I did what we always did with pronouncements like this:  ignored it.  Turns out it would not have been a bad thing if he had actually gotten a Buck Rogers Ring and, say, held onto it so he could bequeath it to his kids:  http://www.hakes.com/item.asp?Auction=199&ItemNo=86752

Anyway, Dad led the pack in buying things like a Polaroid camera.  The first one looked like this:

and required him to apply some vile smelling chemical** to the photo with a tiny squeegee.  The final Polaroid camera looked like this:

and produced color photos that would develop before your eyes.  I think that was the last camera he owned.

Dad was also a very early adopter of the cell phone.  He was a big telephone talker, which was really annoying when we had kid activities on his agenda and he just had to finish up a few more words with, say, Al Blumrosen, but a huge boon when I was living in Taiwan and he was willing to ignore the killer international phone rates to call up and chat.  The cell phone opened up vast new parts of his life during which he could talk on the phone, though it often seemed that its primary use was calling us from the driveway to help him carry things into the house.

Kids today probably barely remember roaming charges; back when my Dad bought his first cell phone, there were roaming numbers.  To contact a cell phone owner who had traveled away from home, you’d have to dial some sort of access number first.  As Dad drove from Washington to New York — a trip he made often — we’d have to guess where in the journey he was and call the appropriate number:

My favorite example of his early adopting/not let going was his word processing . . .  machine.   Dad had a very early word processor called a Lexitron, and in my memory it had green text on a black screen and was approximately the size of an upright piano.  A Google Image search reveals that I was only slightly off on the size:

Dad started using this beast sometime in the late 70s or early 80s.  As I recall, the only advantage the Lexitron had over a typewriter was that you could draft your document on the screen before printing it.  While that was a huge advantage, you had to do all the formatting manually:  hard returns; footnotes; pages; etc.

When he passed in 1997, the machine was still in his office.  While his secretary had kept up with PC technology, he had never moved on from the Lexitron’s green and black screen.  She later told us that when she showed him how to put a music CD in her desktop PC, he exclaimed, “the typewriter is playing phonograph records!”

From time to time, I try to imagine what he would think of the technological world as we now know it.  The summer before he passed, he sent his first email and looked at his first website.  He just couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about until I found a copy of the Code of Federal Regulations online in a click or two.  Government nerd catnip!

I’m guessing he would be a staunch defender of books printed on dead trees rather than streamed to a tablet, Kindle, or iPad*** and that the world of Facebook and Twitter would have been lost on him.  But I think he would have been a world-class texter.  He loved his cell phone primarily because he loved to stay in touch with people and he was a big writer of long, newsy letters to my brother and me, and to other family members.  I’m guessing the ability to write to his kids and grandkids from his cell phone would have been irresistible.

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*  This is not comparable to my continuing use of WordPerfect, which I do not because I am an aging conservative political commentator incapable of keeping up with technology, but because WORDPERFECT IS A BETTER PROGRAM.  Think of it this way:  Word is McDonald’s; WordPerfect is your local farmer’s market.

** Who are we kidding?  I LOVED the smell of Polaroid developing chemicals, almost as much as I love the smell of magic markers!

*** He often opined that if God had intended baseball bats to be made of metal, He would have made metal trees.  I’m guessing the response to the Kindle would have been similar.

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UPDATE:  My brother has a “camera museum” of Dad’s old cameras and reminded me that one of his real early adopter feats was the Minox:

I’m guessing he got this in the 50s or 60s sometime.   Maybe we really were a Russian spy family!

Bruce also had a photo of the actual original Polaroid:

I would also like to note that we have a history of museums in our family.  None of us is very good at getting rid of things, even when we replace them.  For example, the kitchen in our summer house featured a toaster museum:

Addams Family Robertson

My wonderful husband organized a surprise party for my 50th birthday and my wonderful brother brought a bunch of hilarious family photos.  Here, for example, don’t we look like the photo in the newspaper after one of us shoots the other three?

In the resulting Lifetime movie, I’d definitely be played by the early Christina Ricci, reprising her role as Wednesday Addams. Early Ricci both because in the Addams Family movies, she was the absolute master of the pre-teen, smartypants, fuck-off attitude to which I aspired throughout my childhood, and because after her Addams Family roles she, um, developed, so the verisimilitude would be less compelling.  Still, this has to be one of my favorite scenes in all of moviedom:

All in all, I like her braids better than my combover.  There was simply no time in human history when that was fashionable on an 8-year-old girl.

Bruce, of course, is nothing like Puglsey Addams. In fact, isn’t he ADORABLE!   Brothers — they’re so cute at that age!  Before they grow up to be (sigh) Republicans.

From our group mugshot above  — and of course from growing up in the same household with him — I imagine he’d be played by the kid who played the son in The Ref:

Seriously, compare that face with Bruce’s above.  Good likeness AND this is the teenage kid who takes his dysfunctional family in stride by developing a lucrative talent for business.  Sounds like Bruce, eh?  That the kid’s business was blackmailing his military school administrators with dirty photos is, um, beside the point.

Seriously, though, you have to watch The Ref.  BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER.  Best. Ever.

As for my folks, I just have to blame the photographer.  They are/were both good looking people, and we were only ordinarily dysfunctional, not actual axe murderers, as portrayed in this photo.   Had no one invented the concept of “Cheese!!” yet?

Just to show that we did, in fact, know how to smile:  cousins!!

What I’m thankful for (an incomplete list):

Family who do not measure love by the number of dishes cooked from scratch.

Sam Taylor’s Bar-B-Q, StoveTop stuffing, and Frances Lively, who happened to give us cranberry chutney last week.

My nerd family, where turkey is followed by pie which is followed by laptop time:

The people who make Hot Chillys long underwear, which made it possible to run off at least 42 of the 10,000 calories I consumed today.

The dogs, for making the clean up go so quickly.

All of the people willing to do the hard work so that the rest of us can be safe and free: servicemembers, peace officers, and lawyers who represent the unpopular and the condemned and take crap for it.

Speakers of truth to power.

Writers who make me think.

Co-counsel who laugh at the absurdities of law.

And always and most of all, Tim.

Polycom saves Thanksgiving from the TSA

Here at Fox & Robertson World Headquarters, we’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how not to travel.  I could list all the reasons but let’s face it, travel sucks.  And travel sucks worse in a power wheelchair than just ordinary suckdom.  “I’m sorry sir, we left your wheelchair on the runway in San Francisco; it will be here on the next plane.”  etc etc.  I’m pretty sure Tim at least got some serious drink vouchers out of that one.

But the good news is:  the results of our extensive anti-travel research can save the world from the TSA gropers … and hours of family tedium too.  I present:  the video conference Thanksgiving!

This is how we do depositions now; why not family dinners?  Instead of schlepping through airports and spending money on hotels just to ask some clown a couple of questions under oath, we drive 10 minutes to Hunter & Geist where our buddy Dan sets us up in front of a video monitor with all sorts of fun remotes to play with.  In addition to not traveling, and being back home by dinner, this system offers a number of other advantages, like only having to dress up from the waist up.  (I do recommend *dressing* from the waist down, but you only need to wear a suit from the waist up.)

With this same technology, you can enjoy a happy Thanksgiving with your loved ones from around the country without anyone having to travel:

But wait!  There’s more!  When Thanksgiving dinner starts to sound like this:

That’s where the remote comes in.  For example:

One button that would be very important to me:
And what a time saver the picture-in-picture feature is!

But here’s my favorite feature:

It’s sort of like chatroulette:  you push the button, and you can completely bail on your family for a random different family.   For example, perhaps you prefer a more traditional family:

Or a happy family:

Or a cartoon family:

Or simply a family that gathers for Thanksgiving dinner in their underwear:

All of these things are possible — without [unwelcome] groping — through the miracle of videoconferencing.

Bruce’s Blog

You know how younger siblings are always complaining how they live in the shadow of their smarter, prettier, more popular older sibling?  Didn’t work that way in our family.

I was two years ahead of Bruce in school, and while I was a total and complete nerd, my nerdiness was focused on math and languages.  I didn’t really care about the rest, and had an attitude problem big enough to slack off where I didn’t care.  I especially hated gym,* but was also a very indifferent student in various science and social studies classes.  Bruce, on the other hand, excelled in all of his classes and was popular and athletic to boot.  Some of my most exciting high school memories are of hanging out at home on a Friday as Bruce headed out for an evening filled with the wholesome and educational things a group of 15-year-old boys did in 1977.

Now we’re all grown up, living in different cities, working in different professions, and holding diametrically opposed political views, so this whole being-outshone-by-your-younger-sibling thing should be far in our past, right.  Not hardly!  Put aside the fact that he ended up with both a Ph.D** and an MBA.  Put aside the fact that he had actually tried a case in court*** before I had emerged from junior associate document review hell.  He’s BLOGGING now!  And dammit he’s hilarious!

So if you get tired of the liberal claptrap and dog photos on this blog, head on over to Bruce’s Blog (til I come up with a catchier name).

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*  It was bad enough during things like basketball, where being the youngest, smallest, scrawniest kid in the grade was sort of a disadvantage, but I simply hated swimming.  Loathed it.  This may have been due to the fact that the class always ended up standing in some part of the pool where the water was over my head.  But I’ve always hated swimming, and hate it to this day.  My view is:  the evolution from gills to lungs was a good one, and we should enjoy ourselves up here on dry land.

** Hey, I’m a doctor too!  A JURIS doctor!!

** Small claims court vs. the limo driver from his wedding.  Complete with exhibits showing the fact that the driver’s route included a non-existent road.  He won.